Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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