You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
