Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
