Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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