You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
