This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
