my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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