Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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