i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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