Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
