you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
