i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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