finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
