Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
