why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
