He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
