carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
