My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
