you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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