took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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