Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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