my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
