I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
