I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I enjoy the company of your penis
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
