Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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