You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
