My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
