Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
