I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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