Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
