Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
