how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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