My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
