apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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