alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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