giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
