So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
