I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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