I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
