I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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