Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
