Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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