The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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