When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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