not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
