My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
