Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
