we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
soo... how was my night?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
