so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
