Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
