We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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